Can You See It from My Perspective?

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Published by Rachelle Disbennett-Lee
Sunday, July 28, 2002
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I had an interesting thing happen to me while at summer school. The first day I was there I ordered several books from different off campus libraries. I needed these books to finish the paper I was writing. When I ordered them, I was told that they would be in the summer school library in two to three days. Three days later, two of the books arrived. That was helpful, but the book I really needed had not arrived. I checked for three more days and still no book. Finally, I just went out, bought the book and went on with writing my paper.

Two weeks into summer school, I received an email saying my book had arrived. Three days after I received the email, I went to the summer school library for another reason, but while I was there I mentioned that I had received an email saying a book I had order two weeks ago had come in, but I no longer needed it and could they send it back. The young women behind the counter became irritated with me and said that it was my responsibility to return the book to the main library since it was checked out in my name. That wasn't a battle I was going to fight, so I agreed to take the book back since I was taking books back anyway.

Then she asked me why I didn't need it any more and I told her because it had taken two weeks and I only had three weeks at summer school. I couldn't wait. That was simply too long. She then launched into this big argument as to why it had taken so long. She went on and on. When she stopped to take a breath I asked her if she could see the situation from my perspective. She again launched into her defense. When she rested, I asked her again if she could see the situation from my perspective? She again didn't answer and went on with her own issues. The third time I asked she finally got it, thought for a moment and conceded yes she could. I then said and I can see your side. There are a lot of summer school students and not a lot of help and it makes for a lot of work and it must be very difficult trying to satisfy everyone. She agreed and we were able to go about our business.

Coaching

We are never going to argue anyone into our point of view. In fact, most of the time, when people are attacked, they attack back. It is the defense against the offense. It wasn't important that she agree with me, but only that she could see my point of view. Often, once we can understand the other person's perspective, we can understand where they are coming from and communications can continue. It doesn't mean that we have to agree with them. It simply means that we understand that there is another way of looking at the situation.

The technique I used with my library friend is called the "Parrot." I simply repeated what I had said until she finally heard me. Oftentimes, when people are arguing for their point of view, they cannot hear what the other person is saying. By calmly repeating a simple statement over and over until the other person hears you, you don't get sucked into their drama and can stay unattached and in control of your own thoughts and emotions.

How can you use the parrot method in your communications?

Daily Success Formula

Not getting sucked in + Standing up for yourself = Honoring who you are

Quotes

"It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them." Caron de Beaumarchais

"Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the difference." Anonymous